your thong is hanging out like whoa
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wish you could order shots online.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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