my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
