is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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