i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
