I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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