there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
