i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize