How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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