Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
