Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
