afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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