Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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