I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize