I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
