I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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