I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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