I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We left an ass print on the piano.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
