I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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