i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize