I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
