I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize