I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
