Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
