At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How does one acquire holy water?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize