well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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