I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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