I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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