Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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