Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
