i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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