More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
