My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
