a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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