booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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