Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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