She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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