you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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