I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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