How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
