Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
