My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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