I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize