Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
