sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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