I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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