I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
