I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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