You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
