Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
worst night to have a conscience
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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