Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize