There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
