Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
