my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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