i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
