Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
