Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
