I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
