so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize