hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
