did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
