my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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