Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
