Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
