Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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