Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
