My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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