Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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