And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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