So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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