When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
