I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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