im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
